Still In A Coma.

That's all.
Well, and that fresh whipped cream is the way to go.
Now that's all.

I'm In A Tofurky Coma.

So, all I have for you are "how to make a super easy cranberry sauce" pictures. I apologize. Orange zest and sugar. Zest me, baby. Add cranberries (zah-hahm-bee, zah-hahm-bee-eh-eh-eh-eh ohh-oh-ohh-oh-ohh-oh. sorry.) and a cup of water. Chop and add walnuts or pecans. Admire your handiwork for a moment... Ooooh, pretty! Boil for a few to let the flavors marry and let cool before putting into containers and storing in fridge to set. Voila! Oh, and then whip up some pumpkin dessert and rolls just because you have all of that free time. P.S. If you didn't get the cranberries/zombie reference, you're not cool enough to be my friend.

P.P.S. I grabbed a super long strand of pearls on my way out the door this morning, looped them around my neck twice and then secured the mess with a brooch. It threw rainbows all over the car on the trip to family time every time it caught the sun. Check it out!
Prism rainbows on my face! Prism rainbows on my face!
Word?

It Really Doesn't Take Much.

Oh goodness. I'm pretty excited. Thanksgiving is going to ROCK for me this year! Last year I didn't buy this since I was freshly laid off and didn't want to spend money on gas, let alone non-essential nourishment. This year, however, Whole Paycheck decided to put this gem of a feast on sale for $16.99. That's $9 off the regular price! I mean, how could I pass this up?? Instead of having to eat a cream cheese and chive taquito from 7-Eleven whilst watching my family devour leftovers, I will be having day after day of delicious, scrumptious, amazing amazingness that is... the Tofurky Vegetarian Feast!!
Behold. Excalibur!
Look at that beautiful Apricot Sesame Soy glaze! Oh, baby!
Along with the "Giblet" Gravy and Cranberry and Apple Dumplings, they give us... Tofurky Jurky Wishstix! It's in place of the wishbone so you can still make your wish with someone. How thoughtful is that? Sigh... :-)

It Doesn't Take Much.

This makes me giggle.
So does this.
And this.
This one does, too.
And especially this one.
Um... Okay... Right? Allow me to fill you in. You see, I grew up in a nice, Christian household. Went to a nice, Christian private school. Went to a nice, Christian church on Sundays (sometimes Wednesdays, too). And have very nice, Christian parents. Parents who didn't want me to say words like butt or fart.

That said, they made up nicer sounding words to take their place. Butt became derriere, pee became "water come out" (I am not kidding you), poop became mess (As in, dude, I need to go make a mess. Be right back.), etc etc etc. Well, neither toot, poot, or fluffy were nice enough for them, so they deemed the chosen word to be... Sparkle. As in, I just sparkled and it smells like roses. Such as, Come back here, Sparkle Pants!

Sparkle. And to this day, at 31 years of age, I still giggle like a dork every time I hear and/or see the word. Thanks Mom & Dad.

This one's funny because it looks like they're sparkling. You're welcome. ;-)

Tonight, I Am Lame.

Since I am uber tired tonight, I give you this simple post. Really, it's more grodie to the max than simple.

I got this email to join some social networking site (ugh, like there needs to be another?!) and these are the people they are trying to entice me with. Really??REALLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Nothing entices me more than a bear on the phone flashing armpit. Gawd, armpits are so gross.

Pomegranates And Pubs.

Good LORD the bff brought me the best pomegranate from her tree in NoCal! I mean, LOOK at it! Have MERCY! It's so gorgeous, it made my nail polish chip! {please ignore that}

What says winter better than a pomegranate? Look at the rich holiday color...

The juiciness...

The pop!

And then. There was this.
Which involved this.
And in turn, equaled this. Except it was dark. I took this yesterday. Forgive me.

Ohhh, Maybe I'll Move To Chicago!

So, tonight I tried Chicago deep dish pizza for the first time. It was pretty delish. I have to say that I am still a NY style, thin crust, light sauce, extra cheese fan, but deep dish was like an entirely different meal. I don't know if I can even call it pizza, check it out:
Ohh, look! A rainbow umbrella outside! Too bad it was cold. Nothing says Unicorns like rainbows.But really the excitement was not the pie, but in waiting for dinner to come to our table. You see, I sat next to my little friend Allie. Allie is almost four. We were in a very deep discussion about her Nana's dog, Britches. I had to interject.

"You mean to tell me that your Nana's dog is named Pants??"

"TEEHEEHEEHEHEHEHEE!!!! YES!! PANTS! WANT SOME CHEESE?"

"No. Thank you."

Five minutes later, "Jessica! I love you." Smooch on the shoulder.

"Awww, I love you, too Allie." Smooch on the head.

"I LOVE YOU MORE THAN... PANTS-CHEESE!!!!!!!!!" And then it was over. How can the adults at the table possibly go on for the rest of the night without 706 more references to Pants-Cheese?

And then a few of us got felt up under the table.

Oh-Ayech. EYE-OH!

Yep, that's one of Ohio's finest People Of Walmart. And yes, during this insanely long bout of unemployment, I have even been considering looking in places like Ohio. Why? Because Ohio sounds funny. I just can't do gassy classy though. P.S. this blog's title was me attempting to spell Ohio. How the heck do you spell the letter "H"?

I've also considered moving to Minnesota for the following reasons:

• It snows there.
• I'm 1/4 Swedish, so I'd be amongst my people.
• I watched New Girl In Town and think maybe I need to live in a small town filled with people who have funny accents and bake casseroles for you. Not to mention try to set you up with Harry Connick, Jr.

I have a bunch of places I wouldn't mind living. San Jose/San Francisco (the BFF lives there), anywhere on the East Coast (never been. want to.). Canada. I love Canada. There's ice hockey, poutine, free health care, friendly people, food labels en francais, clean air (for the most part), and uber cool temps. Not a bad place even if it has a few hosers, eh?

Portland, OR is also a place I have considered since it gets me that much closer to Seattle. And it looks cool. I have never been to Portland. And I know, like, one person who lives there and she's rad. Even though I haven't seen her since 7th grade.

But for serious. I need to be back home in Sea-town. I never imagined the journey would be so taxing or take so long. People tell me that if it's meant to be, it will happen without a hitch. But what about that saying that goes something like things that are worth it aren't easy?

Holy Nuggets, I'm Tired.

That said, this post will be short and sweet - like me. Gag. Sorry. Tired, remember? So, I have a lot of reading to do. I need to finish the current series that I am on (Sookie Stackhouse, i.e. what True Blood was adapted from) and then I get to dive into these puppies brought by the BFF. She kinds rocks. Pretty much hardcore. And now I have to excuse myself in order to read 59 blog entries on my Google Reader and 248 tweets. I've been offline today, so I am behind on keeping in touch with the world. And then I am going to give into this sushi coma from a fabulous dinner with these three:Not to mention, I need to get started on those real books. Nighters!

This Is A True Story.

It's been a day. A week. Month. Year, really. I'm an eternal optimist and a people pleaser, so my only bursts of angst usually come out in the form of a 140 character tweet, or in front of my immediate family (sorry, guys. really.). Today has been no exception. There were no crazy screaming sessions (I just don't DO that) and no external outbursts, but there was The Bagel Incident.Yes, that is a bagel, a juice glass of three month old white wine and some Ghirardelli chocolate chips. If I didn't currently cohabitate with the parentals, I would have a proper wine glass. But they don't drink. So, I have this. Classy. And eff you economy. Like I said, it's been a day. Week. Month. Year.

So, I am in the kitchen making this delicious bagel thinking to myself, ohhh bagel... I love you. Get in my belly... Then disaster strikes. I drop the bagel. I snatch it up off the floor within milliseconds, count 12345! super fast after picking it up (I know, right?) and then see a spider crawling off from where I dropped the bagel. I yell "UHHH!", Hulk Smash the spider with my flip flop adorned foot and look at the bagel in my hand. I think, oh God. This is so gross. This bagel fell on the FLOOR. And just may have landed on a SPIDER.

Then I begin to reason... It landed right side up. I can just not eat the bottom part. Everyone knows the top is the best anyway. But then all reason gets thown out the window. Screw It. I am eating this spider-floor bagel and washing it down with this generic, three week old wine. And I did.

I am so embarrassed.

Weird Ass Spam.

This has to be the weirdest spam I have ever gotten in my life. I'm used to getting the penis enhancement ads, or the emails that have the perfect job for me ohmygoshclickherenow!! But this... this is pretty amazing:

Where do I begin. Wait, let me check and see if I've had enough coffee... oh you shut it. I've already admitted that I continue to drink coffee while nursing. Just don't tell my mom about all that Mountain Dew. She'd FLIP. So a few months ago, I'd say the morning we brought Marlo home, I told Jon that while I had enjoyed and would recommend having a natural childbirth, that I was in no way, under no circumstances, not ever, NUH UH, going to do it again. And that in order to make sure that the future played out in this exact way, he was going to have to hold up his end of the bargain. It was his turn. Dude needed to have a certain procedure taken care of, because I've heard that condoms and birth control are not one hundred percent effective, and you know what is? Say it with me conservative Christians: ABSTINENCE! Related tangent: I don't know if I have told you this story before, but in Los Angeles I had a very close friend who'd grown up in Valdosta, Georgia, and every summer she attended Bible School at a local Baptist church, and they'd hold rallies for Jesus that included one group of children screaming, "WHEN I SAY JESUS, YOU SAY JESUS. SAY, 'JESUS!'" And then another group of children across the room would scream, "JESUS!" Kind of like cheerleaders at a football game, except Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was the one passing the ball. I don't know why I love that chant, but I do, I LOVE IT, maybe because Mormons would never participate in something so blatantly irreverent. You just can't go tossing around the Lord's name like that, haven't you read the ten commandments? I think it's the one right after THOU SHALT NOT DRINK COFFEE. Oh, wait. Wrong book. Doesn't matter. All I know is I love shouting JESUS! Almost as much as I love shouting SHINGLES!

For serious. You can't make that shaneenee up.

I'm Doing This Tonight.

Then I will be taking a Benadryl with hopes of falling asleep before 5am. And to all a goodnight!

What. A slacker!

Wow. I am just now realizing that I completely, totally forgot to post a blog entry yesterday! What. Is wrong with me? Old age? Way too much excitement packed into my day? Something so utterly amazing that I was preoccupied all 24 hours yesterday? Not so much. I really have no excuse. Well, except maybe the old age thing is already coming into play...

Okay, so here's my exciting topic: British Food. I love it. It's gotten a bad rap in the past because I hear it used to be tasteless goo, but I wouldn't know. I only made my first trip across the pond last year about this time. And the food? IT WAS ACE! Didja catch my British slang? Yeah, I didn't pick that up there. I know a few Brits. And I copy.

Oh, and please forgive the quality of these photos as I didn't have nearly the same level of Photoshop skillz last year as I do now. Also, I wasn't using the phat Nikon D40 that I use a lot of the time these days. Ahhh, technology...

So, this amazing piece of fabulous Brit food... wasn't. The mushy peas were perfect and the fries were great, but that huge slab of amazing looking fish on the plate? The batter wasn't cooked through. As in, soupy shiznit on top of undercooked fish in the middle. I almost booted right there. But I managed to hold it together since the seats were packed on top of each other on the second floor of this really cool old pub and I would have spewed on someone else, for sure.
THIS on the other hand, was the perfect fish 'n chips plate. Again, really rad old pub in Trafalgar Square (where the lion statues were under construction much to my chagrin. Guess I will just have to make a trip back to sit on one soon then....)
You gotta have vinegar. You do. And UK vinegar is different than US vinegar - it's a lot milder. And gooder. Everything is gooder over there.
Britvic has crack in it. Of this, I am sure. I mean, look at my brother - he's in a Britvic coma! We had free reign of the Renaissance Chancery Court's club lounge 24/7 and let's just say that these babies were smuggled back to our room in every pocket we could manage to fit them in. A few of them even made it into our luggage.
The hotel desserty things were nothing to laugh at either. I think that cake with gold leaf on top was filled with a light peanut butter mousse and rocked my socks off. Literally, they came off.
Even St. Paul's Cathedral had good prepackaged sammiches in the crypt. Is that what you call it? It was the basement. There were bodies under there. It was spooky and rad. Mostly rad. And okay, maybe the sammiches were so good because we had just climbed up 530 stairs to the top of the dome and then trekked back down. I think Taylor was uber excited to eat the chutney that he picked out (see peace sign fingers), but then discovered it wasn't so great. Being a good sister, I offered half of mine and I picked the tomatoes off half of his and chomped through it. Like I said, we were starving!
Mmmmm... great pizza in Covent Garden. Even Hippo had to partake.
Totally had to have coffee at Windsor. It was a necessity. And I was bored waiting for the train. Nope, it wasn't as good as Seattle espresso. Sorry Windsor! :(
This was where a pancake stand stood earlier in the day and I am certain the pancakes sold here are nothing like American pancakes so I had to try one!!! By the time we got there... it was gone. BIG SAD FACE!!
What I am trying to relay here is that food in London is a delectable celebration in your mouth... Even the pigeons go ape.
In parting, I leave you with me faux sitting on a spire. Because what's funnier than someone mistakenly stabbing themselves in the arse? God, I miss my pink hair.

It's Friday the 13th.

Ooh. Scary.

That is all. And a picture that I took a while ago, since I'm nice. :)

Ooh, Baby...

Pumpkin bread! This is a pretty decent recipe passed on to me by a friend who has recently started her own foodie business she calls Nite Owl Personal Meal Service. She's based out of the Seattle area, so sucks to be you (and me) if you don't live in the Pacific Northwest!

Yeah, I'm crazy with that Hamilton Beach. So?Look at that chocolate river. Couldn't you just swim in it?It was that good.